Hello fellow arachnophobe,

I want to assure you that there will be no photos, pictures or graphics of spiders in this entire post. I would not do that to you. And by you I mean me because I DON’T WANNA SEE ‘EM EITHER!

That said, there is a sign below with a cartoon/drawn abomination that I’ve blurred so I’ll put the link if anyone wants to see the uncensored photo.

A couple weeks before my trip to Australia, I seriously considered not going  because of spider horror stories. That they’re pretty much everywhere, that they’re all the size of elephants and that they’re all trying to kill me. And really, I could not care less if all spiders were actually completely harmless. They are ugly and they are horrible and I am getting anxious even typing this.

Spiders showed up after the fall of man. Had to. There is no way my God created those monsters to live in Eden. I do not wanna hear nothing about how they keep the bug populations down. I’m sure God had a remedy for this so-called threat of bug overpopulation but then Adam and Eve with their dumb @$$es (sorry not sorry) had to mess up THE WORLD. I’m sure it’s right there in Genesis. Sin enters the world, pain with childbirth, strife between man and womankind, spiders.

So if you’re not arachnophobic, go ahead and google “spiders in Australia” and sleep tight with those images. Otherwise, take my word for it. They’re a problem.

How to avoid these real-life monsters:

  1. Stay in the cities. I went to Sydney, Brisbane and Cairns in October. I saw no spiders. I was concerned about Cairns. I saw no spiders in Cairns. I won. Oh and in the cities, stay away from bushes and trees. Matter fact, set them all on fire.
  2. Stay in nicer hotels. I’m an advocate for hostels but not when any crack in the wall or floor or ceiling or shower could let in hell’s angels. And hostels are known for having cracks in places. So stay in a nice place. Preferably on like the 30th floor. In my mind, spiders are close to the ground and pretty low-rent. And if a spider gets into your room or in your stuff, it’s his room now. Start a new life.
  3. Do not go to the wilderness. Similar to #1 but I mean don’t go out of your way to be one with nature in wild naturey spidery places. This is probably a given. Like. Don’t go to their house.
  4. If you’re going to break rule #3, go with a buddy. The Curtain Fig Tree attraction north of Cairns had this “here’s what you might see here” sign. Click the link below if you want to see the unblurred photo. screen-shot-2016-11-21-at-7-08-22-pm If you’re a 7 or less on the 1-10 arachnophobia scale, you may click here at your own risk. I told the person I was with, who I’d just met the previous day, that we were about to be BFFs because if I saw one of those, I would have the MOTHER of all panic attacks and she was gonna have to be my next of kin for the day. Our solution: she walked in front of me and I looked down at her heels everywhere we walked. I did not look into the trees. I did not look where I was going. I did not look into the beautiful nature surrounding us. I looked at her dry heels. Never mind that it was daylight and spiders tend to be nocturnal. Only her heels saved me. I am eternally grateful.
  5. Don’t rent a car. Enter cars at your own risk. Thank you to reports of the huntsman spiders that like to hang out above car visors and drop down in your lap just in time to put that auto policy to the test. I would say put the seat belt to the test but no way I’m still gonna be in the car by the time it crashes. If a *#&$*@%?! HUNTSMAN SPIDER drops in my lap, I am abandoning the car. Obviously. Matter fact, I’m suing if the seat belt keeps me IN the car with that thing.
  6. Check for them. I did a reasonable check of my surroundings and belongings before proceeding with activities. Corners, under beds, my shoes, whatever. And if you do rent a car, check it thoroughly. You’d hate to find one but then you’d also hate for it to find you while you’re driving. Spiders will try to kill you however they can. They may bite or they may slit your throat from the backseat. You never know.
  7. Stop checking for them. Ok, I know this seems to be in direct contradiction to #6 but what I mean is like…if you keep looking for stuff, you gon’ find it. You know. Like email snooping. So do reasonable checks, yes. But don’t just be looking for them all willy nilly and unnecessarily. I had to walk through an avenue of trees to get somewhere and do you know what I did? Walked through the dern avenue of trees, eyes forward, pace quickened. What am I lingering in here for, inspecting the trees and whatnot? No! Get outta there. Run full speed if you have to.
  8. Keep the toilet seats up. Thank you to those videos of hamster-sized spiders frantically scrambling from under toilet lids and seats during flushing. No. Just leave all the lids and seats up. Hover. Build up those quads. I would rather catch whatever disease is gonna rise into the air from me not closing the lid while flushing than to give a spider big enough to probably close the lid himself a chance to hide under said lid. All lids and seats stay up.
  9. Rely on Trip Advisor. For every activity I planned to do, I checked Trip Advisor reviews for any mention of spiders. The Bondi to Coogee Beach cliff walk may be a must-do but not for me. Per the reviews, I couldn’t risk it.

 

So in conclusion, I’m pleased to announce that we don’t have to throw Australia away as my original blog post was gonna read:screen-shot-2016-11-21-at-6-41-20-pm

By following the aforementioned tips, it IS completely possible to avoid these Fifth Horsemen of the Apocalypse. So have fun down under!

 

Got any additional tips? Comment or like this post! But do not post any spider pics or I will hunt you down by IP address and geocode and kidnap your firstborn child! Or I’ll block you. Either way, just don’t.

 

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